My Number Hasn't Changed

Fun fact: I’ve had the same number all of my life. I started with a flip phone, multi-tap texting, and unlimited calling after 9 pm. Having the same number is cool until you start getting unwanted calls from people who still have access because your number hasn’t changed. I used to love that no one could lose connection with me, and now I’m thinking about the access.

Just because someone has been able to reach me for years doesn't mean they're entitled to reach me forever. That applies to people, but also to sin.

There are things God has delivered us from that we keep giving a direct line back into our lives. Yeah, I said it. A moment of reprieve to unclutch your pearls or close your mouth. 😂 More seriously, sometimes we're afraid to change access because we think it means we're rejecting the history. But I’m going to leave that direction for a different day.

I had a boyfriend in high school, and I use the term boyfriend very loosely. The fellas didn’t really desire me then; I was just admired from afar, and he was the bold one. We had one of those “we walked past each other and were both looking back” movie moments.

The whirlwind lasted maybe a couple of weeks, and that might be stretching it. We never went out or kissed, and it ended because he cheated. So you can imagine why receiving a call from him would be a bit jarring a decade and a half later. And that got me thinking about something bigger than an old phone number.

I've been so concerned about who still has access to me. But what access have I actually given God? Have I given Him access to my decisions, relationships, money, time, sexuality, ambitions, anger, plans, wounds, private thoughts, and/or future? Can He freely correct me, or am I unconsciously living like, “He knows my heart,” even if I don’t voice it aloud? Because there is a difference between giving God your number and actually answering when He calls.

I recently had a revelation that knocked the wind out of my sails and could help someone else. The revelation: I was the one resisting transformation. God would present opportunities for me to change things I always did that weren’t a problem, at least to me. Instead of seeing it as elevation or Him now requiring more of me, I complained about what I could and couldn’t do and called it religious. I didn’t see these as moments of growth. I saw them as restrictions. And that distinction matters.

Because sometimes we pray for God to transform us, but when transformation starts requiring something from us, we start questioning the very thing we prayed for. We want different results without different decisions. We want freedom from certain cycles without changing what keeps giving those cycles access. We want God to heal something while still protecting the parts of it we’ve become comfortable with. I wasn’t necessarily telling God no. I just wasn’t always saying yes when His answer required me to change.

Romans 12:2 says,

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...”

Transformation sounds beautiful until you realize that transformation means something has to change.

And sometimes that change is uncomfortable. Heck, change period can be uncomfortable. Sometimes God is not asking you to do something more religious. Sometimes He is asking you to become more obedient. What if what feels like restriction is actually protection? What feels like God taking something from you is sometimes actually God removing something that no longer belongs in the life you’re becoming. That realization hit me hard because I had been crying about not seeing any transformation in my life, at least not quickly enough. Shout out to “Day 1” Alan who sat with me through tears and spilling fears. 😅

Transformation means a lot to me in this season because I’m tired of being hurt by the same things or finding myself in the same conflict, just different people.  Tired of the depressing cycles where I’m fine and then find myself spiraling down all of a sudden. And if I’m being honest, I didn’t always understand the pattern.

Get connected to a pastor if you’re not. Shameless plug: Pastor Dexter and Pastor Lindsey Upshaw of New Vision International Ministries are awesome.  It was my pastor who mentioned the cycle to me. Sometimes we are too close to our own patterns to recognize them. We can call something random when there is actually a pattern underneath it. It’s me; I am the “we”.

Once my pastor mentioned it, I started noticing that right around when fall hits, I would find myself in a mood. And before anybody starts diagnosing me with seasonal depression, I love fall. After deeper reflection, I realized it was tied to rejection and holidays. As I write this, I find myself considering a question I haven't explicitly sat with before: Have I truly allowed God access to this area of my life, or have I unconsciously withheld it from Him?

Not “I gave God my number, so He technically has access.” I mean true access. Not giving Him the number but never intending to answer or screen the calls. Not sending Him straight to voicemail every time He touches something uncomfortable. Not saying, “God, You know my heart,” when what I really mean is, “God, please don't make me deal with this yet.

Can God actually get to me? Can He get to the places I don't want to talk about? Can He correct how I respond? Can He change the habits I have normalized? (Saying what’s on my mind, how it’s on my mind, has hurt me now more than it has helped me.) Can He touch the wounds I would rather manage than heal? Can He ask more of me without me immediately calling it religious?

That has been something I’ve had to wrestle with. And maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe you have been praying for God to bring transformation into your life, yet find yourself resisting specific changes He is prompting you to make. For example, perhaps you hesitate to end a friendship that reinforces unhealthy cycles, or you notice yourself repeatedly excusing the habit of speaking harshly when frustrated.

And maybe the uncomfortable truth is that access works both ways. We spend a lot of time asking, “Who still has access to me?” But perhaps the better question is: “What access have I given God?” Not just access to the parts of me I’m comfortable showing Him or the things I already want Him to fix.

But access to the places where His answer might challenge me to

“walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called” (Ephesians 4:1).

Access to the decisions I don't want to surrender. Access to the relationships I don't want to reevaluate or start in the first place. Access to the habits or wounds I have learned to work around. Access to the version of me that I keep trying to preserve, even though God is asking me to become someone different because sometimes I still feel like “Briezy from the block.”

Becoming more biblical isn't just about knowing what Scripture says; I’ll drill it until I'm blue in the face. It’s about allowing what Scripture says to change the way I live. And sometimes that means answering the call or not answering the call 😉.

My number hasn't change, but I have. Note to self: you don't always need someone else to stop calling for you to stop answering, and I'm not just talking about my ex. So before you worry about who still has your number, ask yourself: who, or what, still has access to me? And more importantly: Does God?